SATIRE: Flo Valley Student in the Middle of Class Announces They Have To Piss
By Vienna I. Austin
November 17, 2023
A crime against humanity reportedly occurred in a Florissant Valley psychology class the week of the 13th when an STLCC student, who shall remain unidentified amidst an ongoing investigation, loudly announced that they had to go take a piss roughly 30 minutes into a lecture on abnormal human development. Witnesses and victims allege that the perpetrator had entered the class with a 32 fl. oz. blue Powerade bottle and promptly drank the entirety of its contents throughout the beginning of the lesson. According to sources close to The Forum, there was a brief period of calm between the last sip of the Powerade and the incident itself, which lasted roughly five minutes. Unfortunately for the classmates of the unnamed menace, this peace would soon give way to terror.
Suddenly, and without adequate warning for civilians to flee, the student slapped their hands on their lap, sighed, stood up, and loudly proclaimed: "Welp, I gotta piss." In response, the professor of the class frantically called campus police to escort the reported offender out of the class and away from the general population, notably making a stop at the bathroom.
The Forum later tracked down the student and sat down with them for a supervised one-on-one interview. When pressed on their motive to make such a statement, they simply replied: "I just felt that the people had a right to know," he continued, "You know, I'm something of a journalist myself."
The Florissant Valley Student Center's counseling office will provide free personal and group therapy to all those impacted by this event.